Can't We Just Be Friends?

If you are like me, you spend a majority of your waking hours each week with your colleagues. Also - if you are like me - you truly enjoy the people you work with, including those who directly report to you. And maybe you consider these folks friends, both inside and outside of the work place. While your relationships with colleagues can be some of the most meaningful in your life, being friends with those you manage can also be tricky waters to maneuver.

The “should you or shouldn’t you be friends with those who report to you?” is an often-debated topic, with each side making a passionate case for their point of view. In fact, there are mentors of mine whom I admire and respect greatly, who are on opposite sides of this conundrum.

There are those who believe that friendships build community in the workplace and that it’s critical to stay connected with your people. They will passionately explain that some of their best friends, whose relationships they value above most others, are people who have worked for them. They feel that these friendships make the work smoother and less complicated as you develop a short-hand that comes from really knowing someone. Finally, because for these folks, being liked is equated with being respected—you can’t have one without the other.

Then there are those leaders who take the opposing view and believe that becoming friends with your direct reports only complicates the work environment. For one, they feel that developing friendships with some of those in your office, will lead to the creation of cliques. There will be people in your office with whom you aren’t as close. They will perceive that “your friends” are getting special treatment and become disgruntled or negative. In turn, there are those with whom you might be good friends, who can become “too comfortable” and might begin to feel less accountable for their work. Finally, those who advocate against direct report friendships perceive it to be detrimental to your effectiveness as a leader. As a friend and a manager, it could be easy to lose your objectivity.

While I agree that the work friendships can be complicated, I don’t think it has to be “either/or” kind of thing. For me, it is more “both/and.” I think there are a couple of ground rules that you can set, that will allow you to develop lasting, joyous and meaningful friendships with those who report to you.

First, and most importantly you need to remain transparent and set clear boundaries. If you communicate effectively and let your colleagues understand your boundaries as a friend and manager, the likelihood of the appearance of a “grey” area will dramatically diminish.

Second, show up as both a friend and as manager. I encourage you to listen and practice empathy and patience. These are critical skills for both roles and so don’t hesitate to deploy them.

Next, own your opinions and emotions. You have a vision for your business and you should not compromise that, even for friendship. It’s ok for friends to get mad at each other. Strong friendships can withstand conflict from time to time. 

Finally, you have to be able to change course if it is not working. Sometimes, certain friendships can’t handle the pressure of the work place or conflict. And, that is ok. Like any relationship, sometimes things aren’t working and moving away from friend and back to colleague is sometimes what is best.

Friendships inherently bring us joy and are incredibly fulfilling. Yet, there are times when they need to be thoughtfully constructed, especially when they are born out of the work place.

And while, they say it’s “lonely at the top,” but I don’t think it has to be.